Letting Go

If you were to ask me if I would consider myself a "control freak" I would tell you that I am the furthest thing from that. I am not super neat or organized in fact messes don't really bother me. This has been a blessing since becoming a mother. I was never super organized at my office job that I held when I first moved to Cape Cod. I reorganized my desk at least five times a day and I still never really nailed down a system that worked for me. The thing that made me good at my job was the way I talked to people, certainly not my book keeping skills. So no I am not a "control freak" in the traditional definition of the word , but the truth is we are all control freaks when it comes to certain aspects of our lives. I am learning this more and more everyday. I want control over big things and little things. I want to know that I am going to be able to pay all of my bills without a doubt. I want my kids to sleep through the night and  go to bed when I want them to. I want my house to look a certain way and the couch to stay clean when I have vacuumed it for what seems the millionth time. I want control in a lot of things. Details mostly. It stresses me out because I feel like I am always pushing on the wrong side of the door like "do not enter" is right there and I am ignoring it with all of the stubbornness I posses. I know that perfection and getting what I want is far from the reality of life and yet there are many corners of my life which I am just unwilling to accept this fact.
I took awhile to meet the man I am married to. I never dated in HS and never really had a serious boyfriend until I was 24. I became a Christian the spring before my 21st birthday so even though I I had technically "given my life to Christ" there were parts of my life that I was more comfortable keeping for myself. I just wasn't really able to let go of something so big. How was I to trust the God who created the Universe would have someone better in mind for me than I could find on my own? It didn't make an ounce of sense to me. This was the one I would have co-habitat with for the rest of my life ,the father to my future children and my "soul mate" no one on the face of this earth would know who could possibly be my soul mate except for me!

 So with the same kind of tenacious grip on my love life that a child would have on a balloon, I spent three years not trusting God and just doing my own thing. I was fairly certain I could figure it out on my own and fate would lead to my Prince Charming. Then something happened and it really wasn't even long before I met my husband. I gave it to God. I Gave up...I didn't give up on Love I gave up imposing my own will and I decided that I would listen to God's will. Shortly after that I met my husband and through divine circumstances I knew without a doubt that he was the one God had chosen for me long before either of us had even been born. So I am happy to report that we fell madly in love,got engaged, got married, bought a house had babies etc and its been nothing short of a fairy tale. We never even fight and we have never even encountered a single obstacle and it's all because I followed the perfect will of God the perfect and painless will of God. Just Kidding! Not even close actually The Perfect part is true. We are not perfect nor do we have a perfect marriage, but we do have a perfect God and his will is Perfect. The journey that we must endure to enter into it and stay in it is far from perfect. Not by a long shot. It's filled with many joys and many tears. It's filled with ups and downs and a weird in-between that feel like apathy sometimes. I have learned this all in just five years of marriage. Crazy to think what I will reflect upon after 5 more years! I believe that by leading me to Chris (my husband) and leading us through our marriage up until now God has taught me such a valuable lesson about his will and the act of following it. It's not always easy. I will give the two main reasons why this is so. The first is pride. Who in the heck knows better for myself than myself? In days of "self help" and Self reliance we are taught that "God" isn't really part of "our plans". Pride is yucky and it can block God's perfect plan for our lives. The second reason is sometimes we get into his will and promptly want to exit because it's just too difficult, challenging and the opposite of comfortable. So that is what I am working on it. Trusting God with every corner of my being. Every little bit of my life. Not just the tough stuff , but even the stuff that I might be able to handle on my own. You know why? Because he knows better. He is path is not always comfortable or convenient but over the past decade he revealed so much beauty in my life that I would never have been able to comprehend without him. I am learning to Let it Go.. and it's an everyday battle believe me.

5 years of Marriage later and I think I made a good choice