Anyways I have had this post in my head for a long time. I had all intentions of writing it last night while I sipped a seeping hot cup of tea. I went to bed instead. I enjoy going to bed between the hours of 8 and 9 pm.. Judge me if you must.
I always wanted to be a mother. Yes, I went through phases where I wanted to be a dancer, a teacher and a journalist at one point, but mother always topped my list of future ambitions. I fell in love , got married and we had a child and then another. I had it all. I think this is a dream for many girls I can't speak for everyone though and realize many woman choose another path in life. The truth of the matter is I had no idea what to expect. There is something ironic about being pregnant you are encouraged to rest, pamper yourself and eat whatever you want "Take care of mama and baby will be just fine" Now when the baby actually gets here that is when things get real. I wanted to believe that I knew what to expect. The reality of the matter is I had no clue. I really didn't. I had ideas of how it would be , fantasies and images of horror burned in my mind. I assumed my experience would be something in between.
I guess this is why it took me so long to write this post because the minute I realized that I was grossly under prepared for this "new" role in my life I began to feel "inadequate" and a bit of a failure. I didn't realize until recently that with all of the challenges and surprises of being a Mom comes a crazy amount of Grace. You will mess up you will do things that you said you would never do and there is Grace through it all.
Which leads me to my next point. It's a confession. If I knew exactly what this job was going to entail would I have willingly signed up? The answer would be "probably not". But that is the beauty of God and the way he created our lives. Motherhood is a calling it's a call to be greater than we believe we can be. It's a call for sacrifice It's a call to love, to nurture, to protect, to teach among so many other requirements. It's not something simple that can be wrapped up in a pretty little package. Great things never are. We serve a God who is amazing, He is great, He is powerful and righteous. He calls us to be all of these things. Will we fail. Absolutely! , But he is here for us. To guide us, to give us the strength to go on even when it seems we have nothing left. He designed this life to be "unexpected" Raw, filled with ups and downs, Happy surprises and things that will rock us to the core. Motherhood is a lesson in all of this. This is why I am so grateful that I didn't know what I was "signing up for" when I was Called to be a mother. I would not have it any other way. Its much more difficult, wonderful, messy, beautiful, painful, joyful and Amazing than my human mind is capable of imagining, believing or comprehending. I only wish I realized this sooner.